Fighting my depression ... TODAY
You love and you are strong and you smile and you say positive words and let people believe that you feel ok, just in case there is a slight chance you believe it.
There are strong days. Don't get me wrong. There are positive days, even indifferent days. And you wake up, you do your things, you nag, you laugh, you pretend to be a clown, you stand by everyone.
There are some other days though, and I am even afraid to describe those days, those days that are super scary and mostly angry. Angry. And you get your heart beating fast, and you think of things that you do not wish to any person as thoughts.
Today is one of those angry days. I have enough of people telling me to calm down, to be positive, to be strong. Because, guess what, I do not want to. I do not want to be strong, I do not want to calm down, I do not want to be positive. I want to be like those friends and acquaintances that have actual vacations and worry about the vacation destination and the clothes that they will fit in their luggage and boyfriends and broken hearts and silly, stupid things like those.
I do not want to hear my dad coughing all night, refusing to eat, refusing to take his medicines, be the most negative person on earth and losing the willing to live. I do not want to. And yet I do. And I have to stay here. To do this. To sleep badly, to open the door when friends come over to see him, to prepare coffees, to clean up, to wash the dishes, to feed him, to make sure he takes his medicines, to make sure he eats, to make sure he is positive, to make sure that everyone is positive, to check the oxygen levels, to check the water of the oxygen machine, to check his blood sugar levels, to write them done, to pay the bills, to arrange financial details, to empty the apartment, to move my things, to move my clothes, to put the ironed clothes in place, to make sure there is cold water for drinking, to use insect repellants, to control the financial issues...
I do not want to do all these. I do not want to take care of myself either. I do not want to be here. And nobody made me be here. Just remorses.
I cannot be criticised one more time by others on my way of doing things, if I keep the house clean enough, if I do a lot or not, if I help or not. I hate my life right now.
I am not currently strong and it is ok. I will be strong tomorrow. But please, just for today, stop telling me the stupidest "lines" about parental love. Because right now, my dad does not love me. He wants to torture me. He wants to make me super sad. Because he does not care about his life. He is depressed. And I will be, if I am not already, depressed by watching him giving up like that.
It is just another bad day. And I already feel bad for writing these things.
There are strong days. Don't get me wrong. There are positive days, even indifferent days. And you wake up, you do your things, you nag, you laugh, you pretend to be a clown, you stand by everyone.
There are some other days though, and I am even afraid to describe those days, those days that are super scary and mostly angry. Angry. And you get your heart beating fast, and you think of things that you do not wish to any person as thoughts.
Today is one of those angry days. I have enough of people telling me to calm down, to be positive, to be strong. Because, guess what, I do not want to. I do not want to be strong, I do not want to calm down, I do not want to be positive. I want to be like those friends and acquaintances that have actual vacations and worry about the vacation destination and the clothes that they will fit in their luggage and boyfriends and broken hearts and silly, stupid things like those.
I do not want to hear my dad coughing all night, refusing to eat, refusing to take his medicines, be the most negative person on earth and losing the willing to live. I do not want to. And yet I do. And I have to stay here. To do this. To sleep badly, to open the door when friends come over to see him, to prepare coffees, to clean up, to wash the dishes, to feed him, to make sure he takes his medicines, to make sure he eats, to make sure he is positive, to make sure that everyone is positive, to check the oxygen levels, to check the water of the oxygen machine, to check his blood sugar levels, to write them done, to pay the bills, to arrange financial details, to empty the apartment, to move my things, to move my clothes, to put the ironed clothes in place, to make sure there is cold water for drinking, to use insect repellants, to control the financial issues...
I do not want to do all these. I do not want to take care of myself either. I do not want to be here. And nobody made me be here. Just remorses.
I cannot be criticised one more time by others on my way of doing things, if I keep the house clean enough, if I do a lot or not, if I help or not. I hate my life right now.
I am not currently strong and it is ok. I will be strong tomorrow. But please, just for today, stop telling me the stupidest "lines" about parental love. Because right now, my dad does not love me. He wants to torture me. He wants to make me super sad. Because he does not care about his life. He is depressed. And I will be, if I am not already, depressed by watching him giving up like that.
It is just another bad day. And I already feel bad for writing these things.
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